What matters to me and why?
The taste of natural. Do you know this feeling? The one that makes you melt from pleasure. It’s extraordinary. It tickles you somewhere deep down. Let’s take an ordinary wild plum. Imagine yourself standing in a forest among trees and freshness. You bite into the fruit. Juice starts splashing. You’re in heaven. That’s basically what matters to me the most. Visiting heaven once in a while.
Happiness is diving in a sea, closing your eyes and transforming. Time stops. You live for these moments. You crave them. You are a bomb of emotions. You don’t know why it all feels so contradictory. You just know that’s the right path. And you follow it. For no particular reason. Happiness is a feeling you can’t resist. It makes you feel overwhelmed. It makes you feel alive.
You were alive, Villy. Do you remember that time when you looked at me and told me you loved to paint? I became radiant. You probably haven’t noticed, but what could someone expect from a seven years old girl? You were God to me, Villy. I respected God. I still do, rather unconsciously.
Only one time I saw God angry. I mixed the yellow and the blue paint together. I’m sorry. I regret it. I regret the fact I left a subtle scratch somewhere inside. A contagious scratch, which was passed down to me. It’s still there, Villy. Smallest scrapes are hardest to erase.
Remember when we talked about contemporary life? You said you wanted to study in Spain. You made me contemplate in depth. You made a seven years old girl think about the future. The future of money, the future of jobs and business. I thought that was boring, you thought that too. I still haven’t changed my mind. I wouldn’t want to spend an eternity among four walls.
You loved horses. I loved them too. You showed me a book full of them. I fell in love with the Haflinger. Suddenly there was meaning. I had a dream. I found a goal. А goal, which mattered to me. It made me ambitious. It made me strong. It made me… Me.
You spoke Spanish. I was monolingual back then. I could say a few words in English, but they wouldn’t count. You said every language is a passage. That’s the word you used – passage. I asked you why not door, since my grandma used to say that languages are doors. You said we shouldn’t specify our passage. A door is an object which gives us a clear idea of where we will have to go through. You said we shouldn’t have a clear image. You said a clear image misleads. Languages matter. They grant you a scholarship, which allows you to live the way you prefer. They create worlds, connections and people.
You said you wanted to study German. I was inspired. I have a horse, Villy. And I speak German. See what you did? You helped me build my world. It got ruined when God died. Goals fell apart. It took time to bring everything back together. God always dies at some point. He prepares you for him not being there. I don’t know if I was ready, Villy. I think you left too early. You could’ve waited. You must have waited! Or maybe not. I want to live, not cry. It’s time for me to follow my dreams. It’s time to find out why some things are more valuable than others. Why does God come in different shapes?
We talked about money. We need them to survive. We feel their loss in today’s world, that’s why we need to have enough of them. It’s good to find the right career. We must be happy although career and satisfaction rarely go together. Happiness is made of building blocks. You wouldn’t feel convenient without a nice career, but it’s also not mandatory to feel comfortable with a good profession. It’s more likely though. The more building blocks, the greater possibility to feel happy. And that’s all that matters.
Today I woke up. A regular sentence with regular words expressing a regular action. I am happy for the fact that I am still alive. I am thankful, that I have a choice. I am thankful for the beautiful sunsets which are able to create such powerful images, overlaying everything around them. I am thankful for my brother’s infectious laughter who makes everyone smile. I am thankful for my horse, Victor, who eats my clothes and loves me and lets me ride him. I am thankful for my family, who is always there, no matter the situation. I am thankful I knew you once, Villy. Life matters. And I am happy that I know its meaning.
Describe yourself in 5 words?
I am ambitious and complicated.
What are your top 5 values (principles or standards of behavior)?
1. Being ready to sacrifice yourself for your family
3. Exploring secrets of nature
What are you most proud of and why?
I am proud that I was accepted in the school I wanted after seventh grade, that is the first German language school. I am also proud that I was able to train my young horse all all by myself. I am proud of my wonderful family.
1 thought on “Student essays: Ivana Pojarska, „God always dies“”
Many thanks… for sharing it.
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